Husband Hates Socializing

Dear Rachel,

I am a very social and outgoing person, yet I am married to someone who is just the opposite. This never really was an issue when we dated since when we were together, I didn't want to be with other people. But ever since we got married last year, it has been a strain. I want to go out and do things and he wants to always stay home. He is quite friendly and people really like him, so that is not the problem, he just never wants to attend social functions or socialize really at all. I am meanwhile feeling trapped and just want to go out but I feel strange attending an event without my husband. What do you suggest?

Trapped Social Butterfly

L.A., CA

Dear Trapped Social Butterfly,

We all know the saying that opposites attract, which while it may be very true, also means that there will be plenty of glitches to work out. You write about a common problem in many relationships. More often than not, one person is much more of a home-body and the other can't wait to be out every night. So how do you make it work?

For starters, it is essential that you have an honest and direct conversation with your husband. While you may assume he knows how you feel and that you want to go out, have you told him how important social outings are for you? Since you mentioned that when you dated it was not an issue, it is quite likely that he is not aware that it is an issue now. So before anything else, sit down and in a calm and warm way, let him know that while you absolutely love spending time with him, you also really feel the need to be with others as well and you want to socialize more.

Assuming he is aware of this, then comes the part about compromise. Chances are that he will never be willing to go out as often as you would like, and you will never be happy staying home as often as he would like. So you have a few different options. For one, the compromise is coming up with a schedule where he agrees to go out with you and you agree to not ask him to attend every event but rather choose the ones more important to you that he attend.

Have you considered that maybe when you do go out you are socially comfortable and start talking to people and he gets left in the dust? If he feels awkward around others, the more effort you put into including him in the conversation and speaking to him, the easier it might be for him. Also, make sure that there will be people he knows and wants to spend time with when you go out. It is always hard if one person knows everyone and the other doesn't, especially when the one who doesn't is anyway more naturally anti-social!

Another option is speaking to him about events that he would prefer you attend with a friend. There is no reason to feel guilty if you attend a dinner with a girlfriend if your husband would prefer to not go and is fine with you attending. If anything, it is a great opportunity to spend quality time with single friends. Now that you are married you may forget how awkward it is for those who are not to attend events that are filled with couples. Think about your friends who would love someone to go with them, and make plans with them. Then you are not only getting to go out but you are really helping make a friend more comfortable at the same time.

Lastly, if you know your husband likes to stay home, bring the party to your house. You write that he is friendly but just doesn't like to socialize outside of the house. Speak to him about how he feels if you were to invite people over. A great thing to consider would be inviting a few friends over on Friday night for Shabbat dinner. This way you get to stay in the comfort of your own home and yet you also are able to socialize and spend time with your friends.

Rachel

Answered by Sara Esther Crispe

"Dear Rachel" is a column that is answered by a rotating group of experts. This question was answered by Sara Esther Crispe.

Sara Esther Crispe, a writer, inspirational speaker and mother of four, is the Co-Director of Interinclusion, a non-profit multi-layered educational initiative celebrating the convergence between contemporary arts and sciences and timeless Jewish wisdom. Prior to that she was the editor of TheJewishWoman.org and wrote the popular weekly blog, Musing for Meaning. To book Sara Esther for a speaking engagement, please click here.

Join the Discussion

Sort By:

NewestOldest

81 Comments

Dee Nashville November 29, 2020

Dear Anybody,
I have a similar situation and am at a loss. My husband is wonderful generally. Like the original person, he gets along well with others. I understand he does not do crowds nor gatherings much, and do my best to give him option to stay home. It really bothers me that he always gives me a hard time when spending time with my family (birthdays of my immediate family, and major holidays). Other times I don't push him to go.

We don't have kids just yet, but I'm not sure I want to be a "single" mom at every family event for the rest of my life. The social events with friends I do not mind going by myself. He knows how important family is to me.

Any advice is much appreciated. Reply

Linda Vancouver July 12, 2019

Okay I have read others situations about husband not wanting to socialize. My husband doesn't want to be around anyone especially crowds. We had a family reunion for example. He drove us me , him and my sister. We drove three hours got a hotel and when it came to the reunion. He stayed in the hotel. Got up in the morning ate by his self and when the weekend was over never said a word and we left. I love him but how do we be even around family when he acts like this? What do I do and how to handle this? Reply

Anonymous Minneapolis May 4, 2019

For those who go out: can you help me understand WHY you need this other person with you? And don't say "just because". I need a mechanical, or reasoned, or studied, or explicit breakdown of why you need other people to be there with you. To those of us who don't want to go out for very specific and good reasons, it seems a little needy to hear "but I want to go out". Why would you take a person to a party, who is visibly uncomfortable or bored or tired? Do you really want that miserable person standing next to you? Reply

E NY October 10, 2021

in response to Anonymous:

Because when you’re married you want to spend time with your spouse. For someone who’s social and enjoys going out, they connect with their spouse on outings more than doing the same boring home routine. It’s about experiences and connections. And who better to have experiences with and connect to than your own husband. Reply

Anonymous March 1, 2018

I can't tell you what a relief it is to get away when it's a friend who's pressuring me to go out and socialize when all I want is to be left alone. It has to be ten times worse when it's someone you're married to. There's a difference between asking a person to compromise and trying to change who he or she fundamentally is. When two people in a marriage need the exact opposite conditions to be happy, it's always going to be a problem. Reply

Lisa April 18, 2019

in response to Anonymous:

I agree. My husband and I are separated. I want him to go places with me anyway but I think even before the marriage he didn't socialize like I would have liked him too. Reply

Shweta India January 24, 2018

I have the exact problem but the difference is that he doesn't want to go out anywhere without me. With me he wants to stay home only. When I am at my parents place he stays home and doesn't eat properly which is kind of torture for me. Its difficult to make him understand. He says that he doenst want it. Also, e doesn't want kids to come at home to play with our dog. I don't know how to make him understand. Please help. Reply

Swati New Zealand February 25, 2018

in response to Shweta:

If he does not eat properly, why is it a torture on you? It really frustrates me to think that husband is not a little toddler who needs your attention all the time. He is an adult, who should be looking after himself in your absence. I know in India we pay too much attention on looking after Husband and his food. Please try to change the trend. Reply

PKB Columbia, SC January 9, 2018

Tired of hearing "Go by yourself, or ask one of your friends"! Let me preface this by saying I love my husband and he loves me. And he is a hard worker and good provider. But below is our problem:

Does anyone think that husbands and wives should compromise on the types of things. Like my husband loves golf. So occasionally I will go to a golfing event with him because it's something he likes. Or a jazz event simply to be with him because he loves jazz.

On the other hand he only wants to do things he likes. If I suggest a movies, he says he doesn't want to see it, go alone or with a friend. If I suggest a concert, he doesn't want to go and says go alone or with friends. If I suggest dancing, a comedy club or anything, he doesn't ever say well it's not my thing, but I will occasionally (like once a year) go with you just to make you happy. Reply

Anonymous December 11, 2017

Introverts don't need to change Society always caters to the extrovert and looks down on introverts for being who God made them to be. Introverts are considered to be a "problem". This is hammered into our brains from an early age. Imagine being told all your life that you need to be like the majority. Who you are is just not good enough. No introverts don't need to change to cater to others, they need to be accepted for who they are. Why is it always the introvert who has to cater to the extroverts? You don't hear people complaining too much about extroverts changing who they are. So my advice would be first to symphathize with your husband and not make it seem like he is the one with the problem. You can still go out and have a good time, but maybe try understanding that he would rather stay at home while you go out. Save the going outs with your husband for major occasions. And when you want to go out with your husband maybe make it so it's just the two of you. Reply

Anonymous Spokane March 22, 2019

in response to Anonymous:

Well said. I do not understand why many extroverts feel like they need to change introverts. It's like they think we have something mentally wrong with us because we don't act and behave the way they think we should act and behave. This is not only wrong but it is also very judgmental. No one should have the right to judge another person because they are not like the majority. It is perfectly normal to be an introvert and many of them make good partners because they are good listeners. Don't be ashamed. It is perfectly normal. Hope this helps. Reply

Anonymous Az January 19, 2020

in response to Anonymous:

You’re absolutely right, from a very young age I remember my parents forcing me to go to parties or reunions I didn’t want to go to and that didn’t change when I turned 16. Even if the party was next door. Once I was older and I met my husband, i didn’t want to go anywhere but I would to be supportive. Even if he left me alone 95% of the time to go socialize with someone else. Now I don’t like going anywhere and will make it known ahead of time. It’s draining to be in a crowd. I’m expected to be supportive even now that I’m pregnant. I see his friends and they love going out together and I wish that was me but it’s not. Reply

Anonymous chicago November 29, 2017

I agree and can understand. My thing is thank goodness it is not the other way around. My man friend wants to go out every night and doesn't know how to come home. For years I had family members, women, who went to functions alone because their spouse did not want to go. Did he ever say you couldn't go? Well go, have fun. Make special time for each other that is just for the both of you. Maybe those days has passed for him and he is satisfied. Who knows? Ask! You don't ever want to grow apart. Communication is key in any relationship. Reply

Lifeofaunicorn Pharr October 26, 2017

My husband never wants to go anywhere , if he's family for a small road trip or dinner the answer is always no . Even his parents get frustrated with him that hes that way . I don't go to alot a places cause i feel weird going without even if its with my own family . When we were dating he would go with me everywhere and now that we're married its rare when we go somewhere . I feel as like he just goes to places that only have something in it for him . He loves playing video games and hunting so on he's spare time thats all he does ,and im over here wanting to go somewhere enjoy some time with him .we don't have kids yet and we're so young i just wanna be out with him and be with put families but we're always the ones that don't go anywhere. I get so heart broken seeing pictures/viedos of our families having a good time and I'm just home watching him play i get bored theres only so much i can do when being home . What makes it worst i dont have no one to vent with about it . Reply

Anonymous USA October 31, 2017

in response to Lifeofaunicorn:

Hey ! I read and understand very well what are you going trough. I am married with a Husband like yours for 15 years, I have kids with him. Sorry because some people won't like my advice, I'll tell you anyways, get the divorce !! You're stil young with no kids, don't wait to long which is what I did. I can't regret to have kids because they're my world but... at this point I fall out of love, I don't want to be married anymore to somebody that was not with me and didn't made me happy anyways. He won't change if you're willing to pay that price your whole life stay there, otherwise find somebody that will enjoy going with you anywhere. Reply

Nona Maui July 6, 2023

in response to Anonymous:

I second this 100%! I’m so bored and my husband never has anything fun to offer. I do a lot with girl friends but they also do things with their families and I get depressed about that. He’s also a terrible role model for my son who now never agrees to do anything either. Reply

Rere Kentucky September 26, 2017

I have talked to my husband about him not wanting to do anything and it ends with us fighting. He says go by yourself. I say I don't want to go by myself I want to go with you. He says he don't like going to places I want to go to. Like shopping and restaurants. A short vacation to Tennessee.By the time we stop the discussion I have said thing I don't mean like Maybe I should find someone that wants to do things with me then. And he says if that's what you want to do go ahead.. I took years of him being so jealous he wouldn't even let me work. I did anyway because if I didn't we could keep up with the bills. We both have retired now but even though I have aged I know there would be problems if I did go out with friends ( Haven't had any friends in so long I would have to find one) or by myself. Sometimes I feel trapped lonely and not loved. Please don't let it get like this. Work something out don't be isolated and live just for him. Reply

Anonymous SC August 25, 2017

This advice, if taken without really thinking it through, can really backfire.

Remember that your introverted spouse really really feels stressed when pressured to socialize too much.

If you push your spouse with even subtle threats that you're trying to save the marriage, that's only adding more stress.

You need to really put yourself in your introverted spouse's shoes and understand him. Recognize your need and recognize his need and get your social needs met in healthy ways first before pressuring him.

Meanwhile, find his stress limits and work within them.

Before marrying my spouse I had dinner parties quite often and held fellowship groups in my home. I loved it!

So I was so sad to find out he really resisted every time I suggested getting together with others.

I figured out his limit is an outing with others once every 3-4 weeks. Meanwhile, I gather with friends on my own and rest in the fact that my husband provides for me. I connect a lot on the phone. Reply

Anonymous san jose, ca July 22, 2017

Husband is anti-social My problem is that my husband really does not like me socializing with people that I work with it made me look anti-social , his opinion is better to spend tome with family then with other people, he does not try to get that I need friends , Lonely wife Reply

Rita Kentucky June 22, 2017

My husband has always been like this. Does not like eating at restaurants, family reunions, going on vacations or shopping, A new restaurant the answer is no. He does try every now and then for me but it is there and back. I have lived like this for so long that I have started getting anxiety when I talk to friends family.I am starting to also feel as if i don't belong anymore. I have almost shut down and don't talk except on Facebook or web. I don't like being this way so I forced myself to talk to every family member at our reunion but was so nervous I probably talked to much and I bet my nervousness showed. If you have a husband like this don't give up your life style keep living or you will fall into the same pattern. Reply

Anonymous BIRMINGHAM September 22, 2017

in response to Rita:

This is exactly me! I used to be so social, outgoing and careless. Now I'm less social, hate going out. I even get nervous from asking him to go restaurant, fearing the usual 'what's the point' 'no!' and 'go with your friends'. he just doesn't seem to understand that I want to do it with him. But yeah I am really trying to not let his way take over the way I used to be. i try my best to go out with my friends or Just alone. Reply

Jasper July 24, 2016

My opinion(reply to it) For 3 years I rarely went out and never met her family. Since we got married, within a year, there have been 5 events I just had to attend because it was important and if I did not, 'I must not like her family'. Every other week its an issue that we do not go out.
Once again for 3 years it was not an issue like it is now.
So her family calls or texts to set plans, I get pre-irritated knowing what is coming. I try to explain I do not like attending anything, she can go it"s her family. I try to tell her she needs to go do things without me if she wants. I like to sit in the domicile I pay for monthly and eat the food I pay for and use the power that gets billed to me every month. That is why I work. But since we are in this onegether I do not care if she is out enjoying herself as long as its responsible, the same goes for me.
I just don't like crowds or functions. Reply

Anonymous Los Altos Hills May 3, 2016

I have this similar problem. My suggestion: compromise. We agreed to have one social event per month he will attend. I then go to events without him, but the ones that matter, I ask him to join.
This has worked out well for us. Good luck. You can still socialize without him. Do some things together, some things apart. I find the more you sit down and agree to a plan, the happier everyone is. Reply

Anonymous USA March 16, 2016

I'm living the same for 15 years, my husband is a good guy, he prefers just seat on the sofa and watch tv. I'm the opposite I love to dance and socialize. I would say he won't change if you really love him you'll learn to live with it. Although I got really tired of it now and I want to go out and dance with some friends, I will do it but not to often, at the end he's my husband and I love him no matter what. Reply

Lily USA January 19, 2016

husband Anti-Social My husband has no friends and really likes it that way, he likes going places but only when its him and me. He really prefers his shop and restoring cars than people. I'm the opposite I have to have other people to talk to. He prefers to have a root canal than associating with other people. Reply

Anonymous Tucson January 17, 2016

Socialize is not the point. I am not one who likes to travel to some family get together with my wife's family. Not that I do not like them but I feel it is somewhat pointless to travel 3000 miles to spend time with 10 people who I never communicate with and then have fun. I do not have fun. We hang out doing silly things that is not very comforting for me because this is not what I envision a vacation to be. I cannot relax when they pull me to do this or that or just sit and read or whatever. My wife loves it and I find it to be pointless fun. Then they sit and drink themselves into a stupor while I do not drink. It makes no sense for me and I let my wife know that. So I compromise for the benefit of everyone else. Not fun!

I like to snowmobile, ski, trail run, canoe and activities like that which are outdoors. Travel to new places.

My wife does not engage in these type of activities any longer although she use to in the past. Now after 40 years of marriage there seems to be this divergence in interests. Reply

Anonymous NYC October 16, 2015

Why Are You Insulting The Husband By Calling Him Antisocial? Maybe his wife has intrusive obnoxious friends and he rightfully wants to avoid them.

My point is, suggesting that his wife bring their people over so her husband doesn't have to go out to socialize I think misses the point if, If he doesn't want to socialize at that moment. I would think having people over would make it worse. Reply

Anonymous sc August 25, 2017

in response to Anonymous:

Exactly what I was suggesting in another comment. What's wrong with accepting that he's not that social?

My husband honestly tells me, "I'm not shy, I just don't like it- it's like work to me."

Figure it out - you can be happy and social and stay happily married to an anti-social guy-- really. I promise.

I was single for years before meeting my hubby. I have a million friends from that season in my life. If nothing else - call them-- meet with them- make sure he's not feeling left out, but get your social needs met. And get his need to space and rest away from people met too. You can do it! Reply

Anonymous October 10, 2015

SAme here My husband is exactly the same. Married for 20 years.. with lots of pblms.
One thing to understand is socialize doesn't always bring good. They all just party and say bye. At the end of the day the real relationship works only with husband. Whats most important in life is peace in home. You have to deal with it. For me, leaving my husband is beyond option. It is hard but had to live with. Reply

More in this section

You may also be interested in...

Join the Discussion