What’s the best way to influence people to modify their behavior?

The Book of Deuteronomy begins:

These are the words which Moses spoke to all of Israel on that side of the Jordan in the desert, in the plain opposite Paran and Tofel and Lavan and Di Zahav.1

“These are words of reproof,”2 explains Rashi. The verse lists the places where the Israelites sinned, without specifying the details. Moses only alluded to their misdeeds, without elaborating on all the gory details, so as not to humiliate them.

Rashi adds that Moses waited to rebuke the people until shortly before his passing for two important reasons: Firstly, so he wouldn’t become a nudnik having to rebuke them repeatedly; and secondly, so that they wouldn’t keep seeing him and being embarrassed every time.3

Clearly, even if we must criticize someone, we should take care to do it delicately, in a way that maintains their dignity.

Moses did not say, “You lousy idolaters! How could you do such a thing?! You saw G‑d at Sinai and now you prance in front of a Golden Calf?!”

No. Not at all. Moses said but two words, and even those two words were ever so subtle.

Di zahav.

It sounds like a place, but Rashi tells us it is actually a subtle reference to the Israelites’ sin of the Golden Calf. Di can be understood as dai (“ it is enough” - as in Dayeinu), and zahav means gold. Even in his rebuke, Moshe was defending his people. Why did they sin? Because of an overabundance of gold.4

Or, as Rabbi Jonathan Sacks put it, “Moses’ criticism of his people was accepted by them because they knew that he was also their greatest defender.” Having argued their case before G‑d Almighty Himself, Moses had credibility. They knew he loved them, and they trusted him.

He was always extremely careful not to humiliate the people when he rebuked them.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about “fire and brimstone” sermons not being the most effective way to reach people today. Well, it seems that even at the beginning of our history, over 3,000 years back, Moses had already adopted that position.

I am grateful to Rav Asher Weiss for bringing to my attention the Talmudic passage where Rabbi Eliezer ben Azariah asks, “I wonder if there is anyone in this generation who knows how to rebuke?”5

It’s easy to criticize. Some people seem to do it quite naturally. But being critical of others requires deep wisdom, sensitivity, respect, and consideration. We cannot just “fly off the handle” and let rip. G‑d forbid! Embarrassing and putting people to shame publicly is not only a grave offense in its own right,6 but it will more than likely fail to achieve the desired purpose. On the contrary, after such a royal dressing-down, the offended offender will probably only go back to his old ways with a vengeance.

To be effective, criticism must be constructive. If we allow it to become a personal attack or vendetta it will only fan the fires of dissension. It may not be done in public and must be dispensed very gently. The Torah teaches us that while it is a mitzvah to admonish someone who behaves inappropriately,7 it must be done with tremendous respect and understanding, lest it cause the rebuker to himself commit a sin by embarrassing the person he is rebuking.8

On the other hand, the same section in the Talmud also quotes Rabbi Tarfon who asked, “I wonder if there is anyone in this generation who knows how to accept rebuke.”

We need to be wise and sensitive to give rebuke, and we also need to be intelligent and humble to accept rebuke.

My late mother, of blessed memory, had a genuine, natural talent. She was able to tell it like it was, and she could criticize people without causing them to become defensive or angry. How? Because she did it with such genuine sincerity and love. The recipients knew that she was right, and that she meant it for their own good. She always remained the best of friends with the people she had reprimanded.

How I wish I had her gift!

These are the words which Moses spoke to all of Israel.

The Seer of Lublin said that Moshe speaks to all of Israel, then and now. Each of us can learn from Moshe. In all our criticisms, to be constructive, gentle, subtle, and sensitive.

As to knowing how to receive and accept criticism with wisdom, humility, and even-temperedness, the Previous Rebbe said in the name of his father, the Rebbe Rashab, “Cherish criticism because it will raise you up to new heights.”9

At the end of the day, did anyone sum it up better than King Solomon?

Do not chastise a fool, lest he hate you. Chastise a wise man, and he will love you. 10