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What to Do When You Get Angry

The Rules of Engagement

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What to Do When You Get Angry : The Rules of Engagement

Discover the tools for positive communication in times of anger or distress when you want to rebuke another. For the key to a successful relationship is to learn how to disagree.

Podcast:	Subscribe to Yacov Barber - Parsha Messages Podcasts Video RSS - Medium Quality RSS - Low Quality RSS - HD Quality
Topics:	Speech; Communication, Kedoshim, Criticism; Rebuke, Anger

By Yacov Barber

Rabbi Yacov Barber, Chabad emissary in Melbourne, Australia, was rabbi of the South Caulfield Shul, and a senior Dayan at the Melbourne Beth Din. He recently authored a book of Parsha messages titled "Wit & Wisdom", click here to purchase the book.

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8 Comments

mary nj May 11, 2024

Dear Rabbi

Thank You. It's refreshing to hear your feelings from others. All positive words. I really
enjoy this site. Reply

Anonymous Anonymous February 2, 2021

Dear Rabbi Barber,
I had a habit of criticizing my wife when she did something that was detrimental to our relationship. Rather than "rebuke the act" I was rebuking her as a person. How wrong I was.
B"H, she was very patient with me through the years that were painful for her. Strong in her "Chassidic/spiritual" knowledge, she would often tell me that I did not know how to argue. My defensiveness made it difficult for me to understand what she was trying to teach me. Your video has helped very much.
I said in the beginning of this note that she had dome something detrimental to the relationship. Maybe so. But what I was doing (i.e., getting so angry that I criticized her as a person -- and not the act) was much more detrimental to our relationship.
Thank you for your teaching. With you and my wife both explaining the "rules of engagement" I'm sure I will continue to better address the different views that occur in my relationships. Reply

Alicia Madrid September 9, 2016

Reference Dear Rabbi Yacov Barber,
Yesterday I told some people one of your lovely teachings. Because they were not Jewish I did change some words, to avoid defensiveness feelings and to make the meaning fully understandable. Also to prevent any harms to my person. I am looking forward to feel free in a nice environment for explaining your teachings that I learned from you, who are a wonderful Rabbi and who teach Judaism.

We use to respect other people in a civilization: for instance, we do not insult waitress because the food is cold, or we do not openly despise other people work, kindness or generosity, especially when nothing has been done by the annoying side. On the contrary, civilizations has been made over the consideration for other people work and efforts to make a better world.
Shabat Shalom Reply

Anonymous new york September 7, 2016

When things are subjective Dear Rabbi,

This was a very informative and personally relevant video to me. I love the part about agreeing to disagree, and have to admit that sometimes its hard to "control" the anger especially if one has a moody tendency or strong inclination towards harsh feelings, such as myself. Easier said than done! But what happens when the argument or discussion goes around something where there
IS no right or wrong answer, like the quality of a movie or restaurant, or the character of a particular individual in the community. In other words, when opinions matter. How does one controls ones emotions and feelings ( which are biased and subjective anyway.) I'd love to hear your response to this one. Thank you sir. Reply

Alicia Madrid August 24, 2016

Disagree with fire Dear Rabbi Yacov Barber,
thank you very much for your clever words. I am agree the main point is to learn how to disagree, in dignity and respect. But what happens when the other side is simply disrespectful, do not listen your arguments and do not consider your dignity ? In those cases, extra effort for an agreement has to be done, and merits if any of a success understanding are all belonging to the side who made the extra-work .... ;) Reply

Leah August 2, 2016

Excellent.... wow I always learn from Rabbi Yacov Barber ! Amazing ! Reply

Anonymous CA June 5, 2016

Many thanks! I will appologize to my son tomorrow for my raving today. Reply

Steven South Carolina May 13, 2016

Anger Thank you sir I learned a lot from that short video I truly appreciate it Reply

What to Do When You Get Angry : The Rules of Engagement

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