1. Shidduch Is How Jews Meet to Marry
Shidduch dating is the traditional system by which religious Jews meet their mates. The basic idea is that the prospective couple is set up to meet each other and decide if they would eventually like to marry.
2. The Purpose Is Strictly for Marriage
While in the secular world many view dating as a recreational activity and casual relationships can last for years, shidduch dating is focused solely on determining if the person sitting across the table can be your soul mate. As soon as it becomes apparent that the relationship will not work, it is ended as cleanly and painlessly as possible. On the flip side, when it becomes clear that the couple does intend to marry, the engagement is typically announced within days or weeks.
3. The Settings Vary
Walk into a hotel lobby anywhere within a 50-mile radius of New York City or central New Jersey, and there is a good chance you’ll see an Orthodox Jewish couple engaged in earnest conversation, each one nursing a cup of water or overpriced soda. Indeed, the hotel lobby is the stereotypical place where shidduch dates happen. But it’s far from the only place.
In some more traditional communities, dates may take place in the living room of the bride’s family or in the home of a close friend or relative.
In other communities, dates may occur at ball games, restaurants, bowling alleys, or any other fun, kosher venue, where they can relax, talk, and observe each other in various settings.
4. The Shadchan Is There to Help
A shidduch is typically suggested by a matchmaker, known as the shadchan. Sometimes the shadchan is a professional matchmaker, who sifts through dozens (or hundreds) of profiles to suggest matches that he or she thinks have a shot. Other times, a relative or friend has a good idea.
In addition to making the initial suggestion, the shadchan typically remains in touch, acting as a go-between, setting up meeting locations, smoothing out misunderstandings, and shepherding the process along.
Read: What Is a Shadchan?
5. The Number of Dates Varies
There is no right or wrong way to date. At times, a couple may meet a few times and feel confident that they can build a loving home together. Yet others may meet a dozen times or more before reaching that decision.
Also, some people may date dozens of prospective shidduchim before finding “the one.” Others are blessed to marry the first or second person they meet.
6. There Is a Lot of Pre-Vetting
How can one make such a massive life-commitment after so few dates, one wonders? Part of the answer is that even before the couple goes out, a lot of research has been done. Many inquiries have been made about the young people’s life experience, family background, level of religious observance, temperament, interests, etc.
If they even meet each other, it’s because several people think that there’s good potential for them to complement each other. Thus, a lot of the discovery that takes place in the first months and years of other relationships happens before these couples meet for the first time.
7. Genetic Testing Is De Rigueur
In 1983, Dor Yeshorim was founded. Its goal was simple: to facilitate genetic testing for hereditary diseases so that certain diseases common in the Jewish world could be avoided or eliminated.
It is now standard practice for a prospective couple to date only after their match has been cleared by Dor Yeshorim. With a uniquely discreet system, the dignity of all parties is carefully upheld and certain genetic diseases have been all but eliminated.
8. Modesty Is Upheld
Care is taken to conform to the Jewish laws of Yichud, which prohibit a male and female who are not closely related to be alone together. This is why dating is often done in public places.
At the same time, care is taken to keep a low profile and young people generally do not broadcast the names of their current or past dates to their friends.
Read: Why Is Torah So Restrictive on Contact Between Genders?
9. Shidduch Means ‘Settling’
The word shidduch is originally Aramaic, and it means “settling,” since both parties must settle their differences (and which two people are entirely alike?) before committing to live together.
In common parlance, the word can refer to a prospective dating partner, a match, a date, and an engagement. So one can say: I wanted to suggest Chani as a shidduch to my buddy Chaim—they’d be such a cute shidduch--but then I saw him in the park on a shidduch with Rivky, and next thing I knew, they had finalized the shidduch.
10. A Shidduch Is Finalized With a Celebration
In some communities, when a shidduch is finalized, they sign a contract known as tenoyim (“conditions”). Others don’t want to put their intentions on paper in advance of the wedding, lest one party feel the need to back out. Instead, they verbally acknowledge their intentions to bring the marriage to fruition. This vort (literally “word”) is often celebrated with an engagement party, known as a vort.
Since the occasion will most certainly be celebrated over a glass of firewater and a hearty wish of l’chaim, “to life,” such an occasion may also be called a l’chaim.
Read: What Is a L'chaim?
11. In Chabad, the Shidduch Becomes “Official” at the Ohel
In the Chabad community, a shidduch was only finalized once the Rebbe had been apprised and he responded with blessings for the couple. Since the Rebbe’s passing, the custom has emerged for the couple (sometimes together with their parents) to visit the Ohel, the Rebbe’s resting place, before announcing their engagement and holding a l’chaim.
12. Anyone Can Be a Shadchan
There is no official Guild of Shadchanim or necessary qualifications. If you know a few single people, think about their qualities and try to come up with suggestions for them. Note that most people are genuinely grateful when others think of them, even if the shidduch does not work out.
Also, if you feel too shy or unqualified to sugged a shidduch or shepherd it through the process, feel free to enlist the help of a pro.
13. The Shadchan Should Be Paid
Paying the shadchan is important. Beyond helping the shadchan pay his or her bills, the couple wants to begin this new chapter in life cleanly, honestly, and with no one bearing a grudge—even a subconscious one.
Bonus: Shidduch Terms to Know
Redt: In Yiddish-influenced English, to suggest a shidduch is to “redt (speak) a shidduch.”
Shadchonus: Can either refer to the matchmaking business or to the tip given to the shadchan.
The Parshah: The stage of life in which one is actively pursuing marriage. This can also be referred to as “in shidduchim.”
Shayach: Literally “related,” it is used to denote probability. Thus, if someone does not see any way that a possible shidduch will ever get off the ground, she may say, “It’s just not shayach.”
Bashert: “Destined.” You can use this word to say that something was Divinely orchestrated, and you can also use it to refer to “the one” you intend to marry.
Bashow: In some communities, the entire dating process can consist of one or two meetings with family members hovering nearby. This format is known as a bashow.
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