By the Grace of G‑d
11th of Adar, 5718
[March 3, 1958]
Brooklyn, N. Y.
Greeting and Blessing:
I received your letter of February 11th, in which you write that you had been given to understand that in connection with a Shidduch, the true approach of the Torah and the Jewish way is not to let the heart play a decisive part in it, but that the important thing is to ensure the good qualities, etc., of the party concerned. Therefore, you write, that my reply, as it was reported to you, seemed inconsistent with the above.
Now, I do not know how my reply was reported to you. At any rate, my reply always relates to a particular question, asked by a particular person, on the basis of a particular set of data, and, needless to say, my reply is given to the person concerned, who alone can reveal the answer to others. With regard to your particular problem that you write in your letter, however, let me state that it is true that according to the ideal of the Torah, “The mind should rule the heart,” and when the mind desires something in accordance with the Torah, the heart should follow without question. This is theoretically true also of a Shidduch, where the ideal woman is described as “Grace is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth G‑d, she shall be praised” (Proverbs 31:30). The same is true, of course, of a man.
Undoubtedly, however, in our present-day world, it is not always a case where the heart follows the mind, but the heart often has an opinion of its own, not consistent with the above quotation. Therefore, when it comes to a particular case, and it is necessary to decide whether it is a suitable Shidduch among two particular persons, it is then necessary to take into consideration the two concerned parties as they are, and not as they should be, in all perfection. Hence, there is no contradiction between the ideal of the Torah in connection with a Shidduch, and the practical necessity to advise one, in a particular situation where the party has not attained the ideal stage, to listen also to the voice of the heart.
I trust that you know of the three daily Shiurim and observe them, and may G‑d grant that you find your suitable Shidduch in all details, since G‑d’s blessing is necessary in every case, and particularly in the case of a Shidduch.
Wishing you a happy Purim,
With blessing,
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