My Marriage Is in Shambles—I Give Up!

Did you talk to your husband about marriage counseling? If you did and he said no, divorce him! Reply

God is the only one that can save the marriage. Imagine a pyramid, God being at the top of that pyramid, the husband on the lower right and the wife on the lower left. The closer they draw near to Him the more he becomes the center of their home and relationship. Lots and lots of prayer for one another as well. Reply

re i can relate i've been married for 16 years 2 of them separated moved back in a year ago after months of therapy, i was like you optimistic trying to make everything 'good' until i realized i was talking to a brick wall. oh yeah you can change yourselve love but you can never change another person by force, if your mate will meet you half way then you have a good chance if not it's just a huge waste of time and energy. thats what i learned in my experience im 35 with 3 kids it's miserable to live with someone i dont love already, i used to love him but after being hurt and let down by him so many times i gave up at least i know i gave him all the chances in the world, to each his own it's individual , wish you much luck and stregnth on your journey. Reply

A Poetic Interpretation This young woman has come to a fork in the road. Which direction should she take? On the one hand, she says her marriage is a failure, but on the other, she hopes it can be salvaged. It is good to present both options, and the advice the rabbi gave her was sound and sensible. Sometimes big things are the result of one small act. Doing her nails is symbolic of the beginning, taking small steps first, with the hope they will escalate into bigger ones. Whatever her eventual decision, may she find love, peace and happiness. Reply

With me, I went to psychotherapy, and He didn't say what I should do. He asked what I THOUGHT I should do. In my case, my life and the lives of my sons were being threatened, but I LOVED my husband AND ALWAYS made excuses for him. I said that my head says it's safest and best to divorce. My heart says stay and things will get better. He said it's always best to do what your head says rather than your heart. In your case, from how you described it, you two have just grown apart in different ways, is that it? So, it depends on what you want with the institution of marriage, itself. It won't help to blame each other. Communication is the key, but keep out the accusations. Just make it a point to discuss the actual issues and what you would like to see. Find out what is possible before deciding it is impossible. Then, if you decide to split, do it peacefully so you can stay on a friendly basis. It's always better to have peace than anger and bitterness. Reply

G-d give me wisdom Dear I am so tired, I read your letter to the Rabbi and my heart goes out to you, Just before I read your letter I also read the article from a young mother On loving her two children differently. Both of your letters were simialrar in that what you want to hapen is not happening PLEASE trust in the LOrd and my prayer is that he give you LOVE, charity more so than anything else. Reply

Uncaring! Some of the posts here are very unkind and inapprorpriate to this individual's struggle. The sarcastic remark about "caring for nails" being more important than "going to college yourself" shows a gross lack of understanding. We don't have enough information about this woman's marriage to judge. It is possible that her husband, who did not choose to do so himself, would not allow her to do so. (I would not have believed that possible as no one "forbids" me to do anything, but I have seen it done, and it is far more common than you would think.) It is also possible that finances have gotten so much worse that now she does not believe she CAN go. And someone commented that she got married as a teenager, which is too young: don't you think she realizes that now? It's too late to fix that unless she has access to a time machine. What she needs is help FIXING her problem, not someone to point out why she has it. And early marriage is common in observant communities. Reply

It is sad, though, when a marriage breaks up. It's like your dream is shattered. It's also hard to go from thinking as a "we" to thinking as an "I". Reply

and then... I've been down much of this path... after counseling, I now believe the problem is we are two people who want exact opposite living situations... there comes a time when anger subsides and a calm perspective begins to take over... this is what it is, irrespective of what it should be... Reply

Peace Focus on one's spiritual self, accepting one can only really change themselves and loving yourself are all fine foundations.
Trusting in G-d that He loves you and will always support you is the second step.
What to do next seems to be to speak to a counselor...
Those foundations will help you weather the storm Reply

the story and the response Good stuff... as the Rabbi said - if a car is broken, take it to a mechanic (therapist in this case).

Obviously doing the nails is "more important" than going to a college yourself. Reply

How to handle this problem peacefully, This will be your main objective. First, you both need to acknowledge there is a problem. Second, you need to decide if you want to TRY to work it out together. I assume it is yes? Third, you need, together, to brainstorm all possible solutions and write them down no matter how silly or ridiculous. Fourth, cross out the impossible ones (like moving to Jupiter). Fifth, write down all positive & negative consequences of each solution that is left and give them an order of importance. Sixth, decide together which solution you both can live with the consequences of (probably #1 in order), Seventh, give it a time table and make an appointment to come together again to assess the results at a given time. Eighth, During the assessment, if that one didn't work, try the next solution on your list. Then, do all the other steps. Keep on until the end of the solutions, and then if all else fails, decide to split on good terms. Reply

re Right

You both were teenagers when married (as shown by the college reference). That's a mistake. Marriage is for mature people.

You do not mention any financial contribution of your own (did you make any?)

You became irresponsible in refusing to eat or talk to your friends.

Saying all your decisions were bad ones to start with shows you are just as unable to handle problems as your husband Reply

RE: you must introduce an impartial, third partner I thought this was your lead introduction for introducing G-d into the marriage by observing the laws of familiy purity which is known to do wonders to a marriage. Disappointed you left out this most important word of wisdom. Reply

the right choice for you ...is the choice you will make. There are options out there. I will preface my response by saying that I got married young to the wrong person and after several years of trying to stick it out I found strength to leave and go back to school to NOT depend on any man in the future. I am married again to a wonderful man. I have learned through being happy and miserable, rich and poor that money do not affect happiness but a good fulfilling relationship does. You should go to a counselor yourself first. A good counselor will not make decisions for you or give you advice, they will help you to find what's right for you. I assume there are other problems between you two. U need to figure out what u want and how to get there. If u still love him, there is hope. if u don't, then run. it is better to be alone than with a person who is really wrong for you. U may or may not find a better husband, but u'll know u have tried to make your life better. Good luck! Reply

Let me tell you a story about my mother. She got married (Orthodox parents, expectations of just marry a nice Jewish boy and everything will be ok), but she wanted to change my dad into something he was not. He did what she said. He stopped being a barber (his love and passion) to go into business to do exactly what you want from your husband... more concrete things, a better life, etc. But, he HATED business. The stress became so unbearable! My mom yelled at him all the time, accused him of being a failure, compared him to other men who did better for their wives, until finally he began to have heart attacks. He had 15 before he died. Growing up in such a household for the children was horrifying. Not because he didn't make enough money and my mom wore all the hats, but because of no peace or love or respect or harmony in the relationship. Does this story mean anything to you? Can you relate? Reply

DONT GIVE UP “I watched my best friend divorce her husband and move onto a relationship with a wonderful man, and she is so happy.”

There is something not quite right, in comparing your life with others. Your life, is your own. Other people's happiness will never be your happiness. Therefore it's not right to imagine that because your friend divorced, your divorce will also work out the same. There is always a problem with imagining that there is a perfect condition in life, where you no longer are struggling. Life is not perfect, and people are not perfect. Count your blessings. Do you not think it could be worse? What is, you moved on, and instead of the normal struggles, you are met with tragedy? You know, any problem that can be solved by money is solvable. There are problems which, even with the money you crave for, you cannot solve them. You may easily move on to another relationship where there is money, but also problems that money cannot solve. Reply

Shalom Bayis I daven every day for the Shalom Bayis thoughout klal Yisrael. two more great books that i think should be mandatory reading are The Five Love Languages and Dr. Laura's Proper Care and Feeding of Men. It took ages to get me to read the latter as I thought it sounded so chauvanististic but now I am so glad that I did!
I wish you an abundance of patience, wisdom, strength, mazal, and brochot! Reply

she should get divorced she obviously does not like her husband and only stays out of duty that is a form of self rape if she liked her husband the lack of money would not be a problem i would advise a divorce as she is obviously incompatible with her husband that is in fact what she wants to do but is scared of diapproval from various quarters and lacks the confidence or money to move out Counsellers love unhappy marriages it creates business for them and makes them feel important but they are part of the problem and not the solution in fact they are facilitating abuse Reply

Garden of Peace It's hard...
I agree Garden of Peace men's version should be mandatory and re-read over and over., also the women's version. Reply